WHAT’S SO FUNNY ABOUT FIBER?

Well, I’m no astronomer but there must have been a blue moon last week because my wife went shopping for groceries. There I was relaxing on the couch, contemplating the recent zodiac shift and its implications to life as I know it, when all at once a phone began to ring and a car began honking in the driveway. I was initially stunned, but having been a husband for some time now I quickly recognized this dual disturbance as a HITF-SCHITG distress signal. Similar to an SOS, the HITF-SCHITG is an urgent call to action. Roughly translated, the acronym means “Honey, I’m tired from shopping. Come haul in the groceries.” I rushed to the door and got to work.

A short time later, after having put the groceries away and performing the requisite post-shopping foot massage for my wife, I realized I had worked up quite an appetite. So I wandered into the kitchen to more closely examine the cornucopia of exotic foods with which I had just been blessed. I quickly eliminated the fruits and vegetables (cherimoyas, sea beans, pummelos…where does she find this stuff?!) and moved on to the pantry. I was relieved to see on the top shelf a new box of what appeared to be some sort of breakfast bar. I recognized the Kellogg’s logo and decided it would probably be safe. After all, these are the culinary geniuses responsible for Pop-Tarts, Frosted Flakes, Eggo waffles, and many other French delicacies.

I found a secluded corner of the house where I would not be disturbed and began snacking. The soft and chewy bar was a delicious mix of chocolate, coconut, and caramel, in a granola-bar type mixture. It was heavenly. Upon finishing the first bar my man logic led me to conclude that if one was good, more than one would be better. Before long I had devoured (and thoroughly enjoyed) the entire box.

My belly now full, I basked in the afterglow of my indulgence. I picked up the empty box and committed to memory the name of my new-found treat–Kellogg’s Fiber Plus bars. My joy only increased as I realized the delicacy must be healthful as well. Bonus! The box boldly proclaimed each bar contained “35% of your daily fiber.” But there was an asterisk, so I looked closer to find the additional information. The bottom of the box had a UPC Proof of Purchase, some contact information, and a bold yellow warning that said, “NEW USERS: Increase your fiber intake gradually. Gastrointestinal discomfort may occur until your body adjusts.”

It started as a rumble. Then rapidly changed to a grumble. I quickly did the math…35% of my daily fiber in each bar, multiplied by all the bars in the box…uh oh, this might not be pretty.

I‘ll spare you the details of what followed…and followed…and followed, but the “gastrointestinal discomfort” I experienced was akin to the “mild irritation” one might expect after pouring a bucket of gravel down one’s gullet. Suffice it to say that I’ve since suggested to Kellogg’s that the small yellow warning on the bottom of the box be moved to the front and changed to a flashing neon-colored starbust so that a lunkhead such as myself might actually see it before he inadvertently devours two weeks worth of fiber in one sitting.

Epilogue: Despite the aftermath of my fiber binge I have since sampled the entire line of Kellogg’s Fiber Plus bars and found them to be as delectable as the first flavor I tried. The key, it turns out, is to enjoy the bars in moderation.

DISCLOSURE:  As it turns out, my wife didn’t purchase that first box of Fiber Plus bars. It was provided by Kellogg’s and I was even compensated to describe my thoughts and feelings regarding the product. The comments, embellishments, and opinions are my own. The additional boxes of Fiber Plus I’ve since enjoyed have been funded from my own wallet. And I plan to do it again.

If you enjoyed this post then you’ll probably like this one: Grocery Shopping From A Dad’s Perspective.

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