DO THEY GIVE PURPLE HEARTS ON BLACK FRIDAY?

I thought she was shopping, but out of the blue my wife burst into the room. She caught me red handed watching NASCAR on my black and white TV in the garage–I was supposed to be raking leaves. But Dale Jr. had just been given the green light and I would not be so easily deterred. So I told a white lie.

“Whitey (her favorite sibling, but black sheep of the family) has been feeling a little blue, so I thought I would give him my TV to try to brighten his mood,” I explained. Brilliant! A benevolent act for her beloved brother. Victory would me mine!

Or not.

A gray pall fell over the room. The sky outside was blue as…something that’s really, really blue…but the garage now seemed black as night. I kicked myself. I should’ve seen the red flags. Almost 15 years of marital bliss and I’m still somewhat of a greenhorn when it comes to understanding my wife.

“Oh, really?” she parried. “Last week you were saving it for a white elephant gift. And Whitey’s in Greenville fishing for Bluegill.” A mind like a steel trap, this one—memories go in, but they never come out. She can list every mistake I’ve ever made–alphabetically, chronologically, even anatomically.

So I tried a different tack.

“Darling, why don’t you and I paint the town tonight,” I smiled. “You look like you could use a little red carpet treatment.” Touché! This should tickle her pink.

“You yellow-bellied chicken liver!” she bellowed. “We go out once in a blue moon! You can’t just splash on some Aqua Velva, buy me a blue plate special,  and think I’ll forget about the leaves do you?!” Aqua Velva? I thought she loved the Aqua Velva.

“Grab the rake and get to work or you’ll be brown-bagging it for the next three months,” she unnecessarily added for emphasis.

I mean, I’m no blue blood, and I certainly wasn’t born with a silver spoon, but the thought of eating leftovers for 90 days made me a little green around the gills. So I waved the white flag; I would live to fight another day. She wanted me to collect the leaves. Make a big pile. No gray area on this one.

So I grabbed the rake and went outside. The colors seemed particularly bright this year.

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