CUSTOMER SERVICE: PRESS 1 FOR CUSTOMER CARE

Today I called my insurance company. It wasn’t a pleasant experience. First, I called and waited on hold for 20 minutes. Then when they finally picked up they said I had the wrong department. They gave me a different number to call (no, they couldn’t transfer me). I called the next number and waited on hold for an additional 15 minutes. I pushed all of the options as they came up 1,3,8,5, etc. Then all of the sudden everything switched to Spanish. Nooooooooo! I frantically pushed * and # to try to return to the previous menu. The system disconnected. Elapsed time: 40 minutes.

I called again. This time I pushed the buttons VERY SLOWLY. I waited on hold for 20 minutes. FINALLY someone answered! They said I had the wrong department, but that they could transfer me to the correct one (hallelujah!). I waited on hold for another 10 minutes. And then the music stopped–my heart skipped a beat. After a long pause I could hear a voice. A REAL voice! But it was speaking in Spanish. After a few minutes he found someone in his office that could speak English (my native tongue). He asked what country I was calling from (huh?). I said the United States. He said that I had reached the office in PUERTO RICO! I took a break to curl up under my desk and cry. Total elapsed time: 1hour, 25 minutes.

I took a few minutes to compose myself. I counted to 10. Slowly. Several times. Then I called the number given to me by my amigo in Puerto Rico (gracias, hermano). I carefully pushed the correct buttons. I waited on hold for 20 minutes. Finally, the music stopped. I heard a voice. A live voice; a real person. Speaking English–kind of. He had a very strong Indian accent–he told me his name was Douglas.

I gave Douglas the policy number. Not in the system. I gave him my social security number. Not in the system. I asked what country I had reached. Stupid question, apparently. He said the United States. I kissed the ground. I gave him a different family member’s social security number. He looked it up. It worked! Could I verify the address (gulp, a final test)? I answered correctly. YES! Please verify the date of birth (crossed my fingers). Bingo! I was in! One of the proudest moments of my life. Total elapsed time: 2 hours, 5 minutes.

He asked me my name. I said Troy. He said he wasn’t authorized to speak to me (then why did you pick up the phone, Douglas?!). I asked to speak with someone who was authorized to speak with me. He said there wasn’t anyone. I asked if he had any suggestions. He said my wife was authorized if I wanted to have her call back (wait, don’t hang up!). I asked if he could wait a moment while I tried to conference in my wife. There was a long pause as he considered my request. He granted my wish, but said to be quick about it. I called my wife (holding my breath). One ring (gulp). Two rings (a bead of sweat appears on my forehead). Three rings (the bead of sweat runs down my nose and drops onto my desk). A scream begins to form. Four rings… ‘Hello?’…she picked up! She is walking into an important meeting and only has a moment. I quickly explain the situation and hurriedly patch her in. Douglas was still there, he had waited! He asked my wife a battery of questions. And then more questions. For he is the gatekeeper; the last line of defense. Without him the world will surely end. He asked my wife the color of her dog’s eyes when she was seven years old. And the brand of dog food he ate (the dog, not Douglas). She got them both right. He agreed to speak with us. My wife authorized me to speak regarding this account. Then she hung up.

‘How can I help you today, sir?’ he says pleasantly. My mind goes blank. I have no idea why I called. I frantically look on my desk for notes. If it was important then surely I must have written a note. Yes, a note! I ask him my question. Douglas replied, ‘Oh, I didn’t know you were going to ask that. Your wife will need to give a different authorization for that information.’

Total elapsed time: 2 hours, 45 minutes.

I hung up the phone and crawled back under my desk.

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