PEANUT BUTTER STICKS TO ALL THE WRONG PLACES

Now don’t get me wrong, I love peanut butter as much as the next dad, in fact, probably more than most. In my house we only buy Jif peanut butter, because even though I’m a dad, I’m also a choosy mutha (aside: If you don’t get that hilarious reference then you obviously didn’t grow up in the 70s).  Today when the boys and I got home from carpool one of them requested a peanut butter sandwich. I really didn’t want to make a sandwich–I was trying to meet a deadline for work–but the vision of the aftermath of a seven-year old constructing a peanut butter and honey sandwich by himself made my armpits begin to sweat. The deadline would have to wait.

Now, as a man there are certain rules I am obliged to follow. For example, I refuse to cut off the crusts (see Man Manual, pg 43), but I have no problem cutting a sandwich into four triangles as my son requested. I figure it gives me a chance to demonstrate my geometry skills, further cementing my position as Greatest Dad in the World.

My peanut butter sandwiches are works of art known throughout the tri-cul-de-sac area, so it takes a bit of time to put one together (as my history teacher always said, Roma tomatoes don’t grow in a day…or something like that, it was sometimes hard to hear from the back of the classroom). Inevitably a little bit of the ‘ol butter will end up on my hands or fingers (What, you think the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle who painted the Sistine Chapel didn’t get a few drops of paint on his shell now and then? That’s what I thought). And this time was no exception.

Well, two hours and 17 hand-washings later my work deadline has long since passed and I STILL can’t get the odor–nay, stench–of peanut butter off my hands. How does this happen?! It defies all logic, and I’m not particularly happy about it. I enjoy eating peanut butter, not being assaulted by its odiferous fumes all afternoon! I’ve tried hand soap, dish soap, and the soap I use to clean oil off my driveway. Nothing works! Does anyone out there know of a secret peanut butter removal process? Maybe I’ll call NASA, they’ve surely dealt with this problem before. Just imagine those poor astronauts with peanut butter molecules on their astronaut gloves during an entire space mission. It’s enough to make a guy want to go on a spacewalk.

So here I sit at my keyboard, an invisible peanut butter haze filling the room. If you have any ideas or secret family recipes please send them as soon as possible. I’ve got work to do and the dog won’t quit licking my hands.

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